Many things have changed since I was a little girl. We used to use cloth napkins, glass plates and cups, cloth diapers, and returnable milk jars. Now these items are often replaced with things that can simply be tossed into the garbage. Paper napkins and plates, disposable diapers, plastic milk jugs, etc. are welcome conveniences that come in  handy for  people as they juggle busy lives around tight schedules. A side-effect of all this is that throwing things away has become so much a part of  everyday life,  that sometimes we can no longer see the value of  saving, reusing, or mending things to make them last. 

Unfortunately, a similar  but much more sinister element has crept into some very important areas of our lives, affecting modern society at almost every level of human interaction including marriage. Sometimes I wonder about love. Does it still have a place in our culture of new values with its  easy-come easy-go way of thinking? Or have we become too self-serving?

"Serving."  Here's an interesting word worth considering. Tragically, the deeper meaning of this word appears to be disappearing as thoughtful self-discipline is rapidly replaced by widespread self-gratification.

Look around you. Unhealthy attitudes once mostly prevalent in troubled neighborhoods  now set the tone of everyday life in modern society. Raunchy language that we used to protect children from gets tossed around almost as casually as discussion about the weather. Instead of "You go first", "How can I help?," or "Let's work together to solve this problem," too often it is  "Get out of my way," "I don't have time for this," or "The only problem I see is you!"  Anybody met up with a rude store clerk lately, or a dangerously angry driver? How many of us are guilty of taking out our anger and disappointments on unsuspecting members of our own families?

The short-sighted spirit of "Me-first"  really has invaded our homes. So has the "Throw-it-away" mentality. If  marriage gets to be a bother or doesn't live up to the way romance is portrayed in the movies-- we can just throw it away almost as easily as a worn-out piece of clothing. If our mate gets on our nerves, doesn't always look great, and seems to be getting a little out-dated with time--it  is now acceptable to dump 'em and go find a new model that turns us on. 

Don't get me wrong, I know there are some marriages that are destined to be disasters but, in the fast-paced, me-first lives many lead, some very important things are being lost. Things that could preserve long-term commitment and keep a family united.

Simple pleasures like personal creativity, and time spent enjoying the company of family and friends are being overshadowed by the glamorous god of Entertainment. While many good things have come out of our advances in technology, they have been terribly offset by the disturbing reality of countless human beings of all ages sitting hypnotically in front of  brightly-lit rectangular screens endlessly watching movies, playing video games, chatting with strangers, or worse, indulging in degrading pornography. All of this can make real-life personal family ties seem uninteresting - even boring. The idea of actually working at, or nurturing our relationships becomes unattractive. I'm not saying watching TV or playing games is wrong.  I am talking about addiction, and stressing the need to serve something besides our egos.

To save our marriages, people really need to give love a chance to grow and mature as they learn to deny themselves the quick-fix of just throwing important things away. We need to spend time with ourselves and explore the talents we were born with that can be used to bless our families and others.

As much as we'd like to, we can't toss out our problems. It may take many relationships (and much suffering) for some of us to realize that we carry them with us wherever we go. And each new partner will bring his or her own troubles into our lives. It's time for us to stop what we're doing to distract ourselves and start thinking. 

Let newlyweds, or those who are considering marriage, be informed: what starts out as romantic love must  eventually become a garden with spiritual weeds to pull, and tender seedlings to patiently nurture until they mature, rewarding us with timeless fruit that is well worth waiting for.

   My husband could have taken another wife. Like me, he was raised with the idea that it is acceptable to live polygamy. An older brother of his, named Paul, did decide to take multiple wives throughout his life, eventually totaling six in all. Yet, Paul passed away a year or so ago while living alone as a bachelor in Mexico where he suffered a fatal stroke.  Few, if any, of the many children he fathered even knew where he lived, nor was there great sorrow at his passing. He did have a dog. You see, although Paul had  many women and children he could have bonded with,  he never learned how to relate to any of them as a person, a husband, or a father. Not one. Except for a few strangers, he died alone.
   Today marks the thirty-first milestone of my marriage to my husband Ron. Unlike Warren Jeffs and his child-brides in the photos above and below, we are only six months apart in age and share a similar level of maturity. And, unlike his brother Paul, Ron stayed committed to one wife and one family. Me. Us. Ron and I have lived with each other for the biggest part of our lives. Like a good wine,  I guess you could say we have aged and matured together.
   To celebrate, we took some time to travel to the coast  and it was there that we indulged ourselves with breezy walks on the beach and uninterrupted  meaningful  conversation that only two people knowing each other so well can share. 
   It was during the course of one of these discussions, that I began to realize more deeply why many of the men I knew, were attracted to plural marriages aside from the S-E-X factor mentioned in my last blog: As I was growing up, it was always apparent to me that the motives for having more than one wife for most men did not genuinely include a strong respect for the institution of marriage, nor did they  possess an exceptional ability to bond successfully with many women and children. In fact, looking back, I can see that many male polygamists in reality  lacked the character to truly learn to relate to any woman. Although it naturally seemed that they would be--should be--committed to many women, in truth they were committed to none.
   You see,  polygamy can be a great escape from the challenges and perseverance necessary  to become truly spiritually and emotionally  intimate with a woman or her children, while providing a physical heyday for a guy. It can protect the pride of one not wishing to see his own shortcomings, and discourage unselfish love. How easy it is to escape into the arms of a woman who never expects more than a small portion of his time and who is grateful to be noticed at all, while leaving behind or ignoring the wife who longs for more. A wife demanding her well-deserved rights is absolutely futile in a polygamous relationship. Begging is more acceptable, but it is demeaning and not very effective either. The children usually have no rights at all.
   Yet, I recently read somewhere that many Americans consider long-term monogamy to be cruel and unusual punishment! Most of us who have been married can relate to that statement on some level. To be honest, staying together for so long, at times has required a supreme effort on both the  part of my husband and myself. But, considering our unusual and stressful backgrounds, we are living proof that two people can learn to love and support each other in a healthy way  if they are committed to it. We have been rewarded for our patience and persistence with an almost profound understanding of one another. Now, thirty-two years later, fights and anger fade quickly--we both know we're in it for good. And we intend to keep it this way.
   Happy Anniversary, Ron!