Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Pedophilia and the Case Against Polygamy

You may wonder why I am so concerned about the spread of polygamy. After all, what's the big deal? In reality, why should I care if a man marries multiple women instead of choosing to be faithful to one wife? Please read on.

I have said many times that I think that one of  the main reasons women choose to live polygamy is because  it is taught to them as a religious requirement, often beginning at a very young age. That's one reason for concern right there. But, what about the men? Why do they choose polygamy?

Is it, as some Christian polygamists now claim, about "profound, selfless, Christ-like love for women"? That sure sounds noble, but I'll bet many of you will  question that motive right along with me. After all, a man doesn't have to marry a woman to give her that kind of love. You may even suspect, as I do,  that the real reason amounts to a three letter word that begins with the letter "S" and ends with the letter "X".

I suppose that some of these men honestly do envision themselves as benevolent leaders dividing their wisdom and goodness among many adoring women and children, and that the pollination part really is secondary. The fact is, the boys in my former religion were taught that they must have multiple wives to honor God's highest calling, and some did go into it for that reason. I knew many of them when they were decent young men - I saw them take wives, have children, and change.

In the "Letters" section, my old friend makes a heart-wrenching case about the negative effects of polygamy on a man's ego.  I don't think that discussion can be complete without bringing up the S-E-X factor. Here are some questions just begging to be asked: What is it like for a man to know that any women he feels physically attracted to can be a potential mate? What happens to the average guy who can indulge himself with a variety of bed partners and is constantly in demand by different women?  How does a man of character  remain spiritually grounded in the face of all these sensual experiences? Just how does all of this affect a man's psyche? 

It becomes obvious over time, that in such situations (including the extremes of our modern culture),  the needs of  "the flesh"  become more and more demanding. Unnatural hungers are awakened. At their worst they become destructive and violating to the innocent.

Of the men that  I knew, a few became dissatisfied with having only one bed partner at a time. While presenting a religious front, others of these men became molesters and pedophiles. Although they had numerous wives coming and going from their lives, they still were not satisfied. Some developed incestuous relationships with their own children. Even little boys were not safe. (No, these extreme examples were not  the case with all of the men. But I have been informed of such behavior commonly hidden within other polygamist  groups as well.)

I think it is safe to say that the institution of polygamy attracts such degrading types of men who have absolutely no religious or noble intentions to begin with. And young women raised in polygamy (or otherwise) who did not get enough attention from their fathers can be prime targets for a lustful man who steps in to fill their need for fatherly love. In polygamy, a variety of young girls can be desired and married by much older men--and this is not uncommon. How sad it is for these girls as they age and are neglected and ignored for exciting new wives and even younger child-brides. How bleak it is for their children who will also miss having a  loving father.

On a radio talk show the other day,  the host mentioned to me that it may be a sense of family that motivates some women to become plural wives, and I think  that holds some truth. In fact, in my old religion wives of the same husband were called "sister-wives." We were taught that we would be sisters throughout eternity, and some really did start out behaving like sisters. (Heck, some of the women married to the same man really were sisters! ) But the reality of jealousies and resentments soon set in. Although some women were better at suppressing their pain, and denying their unmet need for the love and support of a full-time husband,  the need was still there. Very few of the marriages survived until old age. It seemed like the men didn't really care, they always had replacements for any unhappy woman who gave up the miserable battle! So much for loving fathers and strong families.

Let's be honest: realistically, even under the best circumstances, a man will find that it is challenging to be a good father and husband that meets the emotional and physical needs of only one family. I strongly suggest that the polygamy ideal now being perpetrated by determined activists is not only an illusion--it is a dangerous one. And for this reason accepting  plural marriage as a norm  for our society would be taking a GIANT step backward.

Life was busy. We had four children to raise, bills to pay, a house and yard to keep up, not to mention Ron's long regular work hours and me helping my elderly mom on top of managing the household jobs. As my husband  and I shouldered our duties, we barely had time to look at one another - let alone carry on a conversation that amounted to more than just a few sentences. Brief exchanges of vital information pretty much summed up our communication at that point. We didn't have the time or money to get out much.

At some point, I began to feel that our marriage was entering its last stages.  It seemed we had nothing in common besides our responsibilities and the stress we shared each day. And love. What was love anyway? We hardly ever smiled at each other. I couldn't blame him for not loving the overweight, harried housewife I had become. Did I say "harried"? Okay, let me be completely honest and change that word to "angry." 

One day I actually wondered: What would our lives be like without each other? Maybe there was some dream I could pursue to make life interesting. Maybe I could move somewhere new and exciting with the kids. I believe that it was providential when our seven year old daughter approached me as I stood folding laundry later that day.

"Mommy, do you know who taught me how to tie my shoes?" she asked seemingly out of nowhere. I looked at her wordlessly and shook my head no. "Daddy did," she replied with a smile. "Do you know who taught me how to ride my bike?" I gulped and shook my head no again.  "Daddy did," she laughed looking surprised at my ignorance. "Daddy teaches me lots of things."

I suddenly felt ashamed. I had been too busy to notice those things. Even though he had always been busy and under constant pressure, my husband had never tried to evade his responsibility to us and had always found the time to be there for our children. Wasn't that love? How foolish I had been to entertain thoughts of life without him. 

And what about those  vows we took that said "for better or for worse" - wasn't that more than a quaint old saying?  As for our personal life and lack of communication - when was the last time I had slowed down and really become aware of  my husband?  Had I ever  stopped to offer him a word of encouragement or gratitude for all that he did for his family day in, day out? I suddenly realized we were both on automatic pilot, treading water, trying hard to get through each day.

That day was the beginning of new understanding for me. I began to take time to give my husband a hug when he came home from work, and to show in little ways that I loved and appreciated him. I could see the surprise and gratitude in his eyes. 

I started to notice the times he stopped to rub my tired shoulders - wasn't he doing it more often now?  And the cup of  specialty coffee he began to splurge on and surprise me with after an unusually long and tiring week, was as  welcome as diamonds. So were the lovely flowers he had delivered to me on our anniversary.

The moral of the story is this: When times are stressful, a little thoughtful awareness of your spouse goes a long way. In fact, it  can work miracles. A hug out of nowhere can be all that's needed to start turning things around (although it takes getting used to if you haven't been affectionate  with one another for awhile).

It's now been over thirty years. If our marriage had not been monogamous, I'm certain that we would never have had the chance to see clearly and deal with all of our challenges, and would have given up, or lived on in misery.

Most of the kids are grown and we now have time to talk, watch a movie or go for a walk, and enjoy our family and grandchildren. Laughing together is the best.

Since Ron's heart attack a few years ago, I realize even more how grateful I am for my husband and how important he is to his family. We are truly partners for life.

And when I'm least expecting it, he still surprises me with a cup of specialty coffee.